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Ages and Stages, Similarities and Differences: When Your Child has Special Needs- Part 1 by Robert Naseef, Ph.D. Is this just a stage my child is going through? Is this because of her condition? Or is something seriously wrong? For parents who have a child with special needs these can be haunting questions that come back over and over. Simply put, kids go through stages; parents go through stages; and kids and parents go through stages together. When there is a disability or special healthcare needs these stages are both similar and different. This article will provide a context for understanding and growth for both children and parents.
Parents have mental picture or dreams of how things are supposed to go when the child is born. Parents remember the child they once were and then form images of how they would like to have been treated by their parents. Galinsky sees parents as having myriads of images that filter in and out of our thoughts, as opposed to one dream. Parenthood can therefore be seen as a journey of images failed and achieved. There is a sequence of stages that parents go through in response to their children's growth.
This stage of bonding with the actual child and letting go of the image of the perfect child can be far more difficult when the infant presents with an actual defect or congenital disease. The gap between the real and the imaginary is much wider and harder to accept. The child is like a mirror to the parents of both their positive and negative traits. A visible abnormality, such as a cleft lip, for instance, unconsciously stirs up an inner sense of inadequacy in parents. "What's wrong with us?" is the question raised. It is no wonder that a child with a disability or chronic illness can create a trauma that wounds the parents' self-esteem. It takes time to heal a broken heart. Having known this pain first-hand, it is something that I live with and re-experience from time to time even now that my son is a young adult. Next comes the authority stage,
as small children begin to show independence and assert their wills, and parents
have to learn to set limits. The authority stage begins as the theme of
control/lack of control predominates as small children show independence. When
do I say yes? When do I say no? How do I enforce my decisions? When do I
shift or compromise? As it becomes necessary to say “No,” each parent has the
major task of accepting his or her own authority over the child. When a parent
cannot be the kind of disciplinarian she wants, then her image of herself takes
a heavy blow. Almost by surprise, many parents hear themselves saying things
their parents said to them--things which they
Physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral challenges can complicate this already challenging task and make adjustment overwhelming. What is fair in terms of discipline is much more complex for a child whose development is behind that of her same aged peers. These challenges tend to disrupt the bonding process at whatever point in the life-cycle that they occur. This rupture in the relationship between parent and child needs to be explored and acknowledged, and then repaired or restored. Then joy and excitement can be rekindled for parents. Throughout the stages of parenthood, parents are faced with the dilemma of sorting out what is typical at that stage versus what is atypical. It is a long process over a difficult emotional terrain, but as countless parents can attest, it is a rewarding journey. When we have a grasp on the overview of what is transpiring, it becomes easier to make sense of the trials and tribulations of our everyday lives. As our endearing and lovable children grow and change, we do likewise in ways we could have never imagined.
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One major psychological adjustment to any
newborn is the parents' need to feel better about themselves through bonding to
the actual baby. In order to do this, they must mourn the perfect imaginary
infant that got them through the pregnancy. The creation of this imaginary
infant is a normal part of the parenting process and is identified as
image-making, which occurs during pregnancy as the first phase described in
The Six Stages of Parenthood by Ellen Galinsky (New York: Addison Wesley,
1987) which focuses on how parents develop as their children grow and their
personalities unfold. 
After image-making, comes
nurturing, which extends from birth through the first couple
of years. The nurturing stage consumes parents from birth through the early
years. By her very growth, the child leads the parent from one task to the
next. The major task of this stage is attaching to the baby and reconciling the
imagined child with the actual child. This reconciliation can be long and
difficult if there is a problem with the baby’s health or development. Holding,
touching, and caring for the baby often brings the ecstasy of peak experience.
There is also a fear of loss as many parents wake in the night to check on
whether the baby is still breathing. The interactive relationship begins with a
nonverbal inter-affective loop with parents learning to respond to baby’s cues
and clues. In this passionate stage, fathers play more with their babies while
mothers take care of them.
planned to never say. Parents
must accept the unacceptable as they experience their anger with their own
children. Guilt over the anger is frequently felt as parents are challenged to
change and communicate with the child on the appropriate level.