|
|
|
|
Terror: How
Much Should We Share With Our Kids??
Cindy N.
Ariel, Ph.D.
 All I could think about was the safety of my “babies” in elementary and middle school, as I watched the events unfold on the morning of 9-11. I spent those initial moments gathering information from TV and neighbors and determining that my children were in a safe and calm environment ... And then I cried. I cried for the victims and their families, I cried for the rescuers and their families, I cried for our nation, and I cried because this isn’t the kind of world event that I wanted my children to have to live through. As the mother of two school-age children, and as a psychologist, I have been asked many times recently about how much to share of our nation’s current terror with our children. As I struggle to find meaning and answers to this and other important questions burning in the minds of those who seek my professional guidance, I have been able to come up with a few initial thoughts that may be helpful. Our individual reactions to the twin tragedies in New York City and Washington, D.C. will depend upon many factors including our own defenses and ways of coping, our beliefs and experiences, and our personal connections to the actual events. Our children’s reactions will likewise depend upon these factors within themselves and, most importantly, will reflect OUR adult responses. It is important to remember that more than at any other time, our children seek our models and guidance for dealing with grief and tragedy. The terror experienced on a national and international level by the air attacks on the World Trade Center buildings and the Pentagon has the capacity to rock all of us, individually and collectively, for a very long time. Witnessing such devastation is the textbook setup for trauma and left alone, for post traumatic stress to develop. We are likely to see more and more of this in the weeks, months, and years to come. As adults, we can make our own choices about how much news coverage we can handle. A great many of us are being hypnotized and traumatized by the traumatic events we are watching and hearing about almost constantly. We often feel dazed and confused as we are glued to the unfolding events in the aftermath of this destruction. It is almost universal to want comfort during these times of great sadness and mourning. With this going on the task of protecting our children from the emotional barrage seems difficult, if not impossible. But we must try to do what we need to do to nurture ourselves so that when our children walk through the door, we are there with warm greetings and steady support.
Depending upon your child’s age they will have varying degrees of need for
As the grown-ups in this situation, it’s hard even for US to make sense of these disasters. While our children need facts and answers to their difficult questions they also need to feel our calm support and reassurance. There are many teachable moments right now regarding ways to deal with grief, compassion and humanitarianism. Feelings of empowerment can also be fostered by helping the kids decide on some action to take, something they can do . Letter writing campaigns, food bank donations, and prayer, are examples of actions kids can take to do something positive and feel a part of things. While our children are at school or involved in their activities or asleep, we can allow our own feelings to dominate. We are sad, we are scared, we are angry. Many of us are crying every day or waking up in the middle of the night wondering if and when we will be at war - fearing the worst. It is critical for all of us to talk about and express these personal dark emotional horrors . And the more that we do this for ourselves apart from our children, the more we can be present with and for our children when they come home seeking the warmth of our loving embraces and safe shelter. The pictures of the air crashes are indelibly burned into our minds forever. Our children will see those pictures and learn about these events for years to come. They will learn about tolerance and intolerance and will deal with the violence and hatred in our world as a part of their lives. We must raise them ready to go forward together as responsible, informed, and noble citizens who feel confident and empowered to work toward a better world. Let’s take the time we need for ourselves as adults, and some space to begin to heal. Let’s not feed the hatred or allow terror to burn in the psyche of our young children.
In Peace
Cindy N. Ariel, Ph.D.
514 S. 4th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 592-1333
|
|
comfort and
information. As with other difficult topics, take your cues from your child.
Answer their questions honestly, at their level, but do not dwell on the
issues at hand. If you choose to provide current events updates or access to
newspaper or TV news, it is critical to continue the dialogues with your child
and not allow them to dwell on the catastrophe or to watch it over and over
and over. Now, more than ever, it is essential for us as parents to monitor
the TV set and limit the overwhelming barrage of pictures and information
coming into all of our homes. It’s okay to share some of our emotional
reactions with the children, but it is essential to balance the honest flow of
information with normal routines and assurances of safety.