Q and A: Behavior Problems
Question 1. My son is three and undiagnosed. He had a brain injury
sometime during my third trimester, but he seems to be pretty unique. His
oral/motor skills are the most severely impacted. Our son makes very few sounds
and communicates mostly by pointing and grunting. Lately he has become very
aggressive with his two-year-old sister. He pulls her hair, grabs her around the
neck and face and pinches her. He is very tall for his age and can reach our
entire counter, which he is constantly grabbing things from. He is constantly
getting into mischief and often destroying our property and/or putting himself
in danger.
Our neurologist has told us that he has never seen a brain like his! He is
delayed in all areas, but is walking. I know a lot of his behavior is because he
is frustrated. We are currently working with his therapist to come up with a
communication plan. It is going to take some time, however, and we can't allow
him to act the way he is. We have tried spanking for things that are dangerous.
We also have tried timeouts, but the battle becomes more about staying in the
chair and less about the behavior.
I am at my wits end! I am constantly battling with him and starting to feel as
if I don't like him. He is very precious to me and I hate how I feel towards him
lately. If you have any advice or can recommend any literature, I would greatly
appreciate it.
Response:
Loving your child but not liking him is a heartbreak like no other. Your letter
is painful to read. It takes courage to own up to the dark and uncomfortable,
yet so natural, feelings you describe. I am sure that many readers can identify
with the situation you describe, especially because children with special needs
can evoke our deepest passions.
The focus on developing your son's communication system is the key to the long
term improvement of the situation. As he develops a way to communicate his needs
and wants, his behavior will improve, and you will enjoy him more. I have seen
this happen over and over again during my twenty years of professional as well
as personal experience.
In terms of what you describe as your son's aggressive behavior towards your
daughter, there may be another way to interpret what is going on. Perhaps he is
trying to get her attention and to interact with her. As she matures, she will
develop her own ways to handle her brother. In the meantime, you might seek a
therapist who can work with your children together to help with their
interactions as well as with your interactions with your son.
Your attempts to discipline your son sound very frustrating. All children need
to be disciplined according to their individual needs. If your son, for example,
does not understand the purpose of a time out, and if it doesn't help the
situation, then consider dropping that form of guidance.
As far as spanking goes, I appreciate your honesty, but I must point out that
punishment does not teach a child how to act. It may possibly teach a child how
not to act. I think that the most important point you raise is how difficult
your life is and how little joy you have with your son. To help in this area, I
strongly recommend the “Floor Time” approach as described by Stanley Greenspan,
M.D. and Serena Wieder, Ph.D. in “The Child with Special Needs: Encouraging
Intellectual and Emotional Growth.” This approach of joining your child where he
is and following his lead in play can bring some joy back to the relationship.
It may also help in the relationship between your son and daughter.
Each child is so unique, so puzzling, and ultimately so rewarding. The
limitations to his brain challenge all who love him to grow their brains in new
ways and heal their broken hearts. I wish you well in your quest.
RN
