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Q and A: couple's issues Question 3: My 13 year old son has CP. My husband and I have had our share of marital problems-- probably no different from most couples, yet I can't help but feel the fact that our child is not "typical" has profoundly affected our marriage, and how we relate to each other. I have heard the divorce rate for couples that have a child with a disability is very high. I don't feel that our son is a burden, but it has been much harder on me (since I am his primary care giver) to see that he gets all the things he needs--a drain on me emotionally. I have read that some couples pull closer together after the birth of a child with special needs, and it has just seemed to magnify all the problems between me and my husband. I just wonder if I am using this as an "excuse" or if there really is truth to the idea that this situation can either "harm" or "help" a marriage. We have gone through counseling and it's frustrating that even the professionals can't seem to help me answer this. Any input will be appreciated. Response: Much of the answer to this issue's first question may apply to your situation as well, but you raise an important question for many readers about the effect of having a child with special needs on the marriage. What you have heard about a child with special needs pulling a marriage together is a gross oversimplification. My answer is based upon the research reviewed in "Ordinary Families, Special Children" by Milton Seligman and Rosalyn Benjamin Darling in its second edition, released in 1977. Dr. Seligman is one of the leading scholars in the area of families of children with disabilities, and he has an adult daughter with a disability. Dr. Darling likewise has made significant long-term contributions as a scholar and practitioner with families. At one time, it was announced in studies that the divorce rate was much higher for families of children with disabilities. Now although there are inconsistent and contradictory findings, the general consensus of experts is that the divorce rates are comparable, BUT there appears to be more reported marital distress among families of children with special needs. No surprise! Communication problems, lack of time and energy for personal, marital, and family activities, and social isolation affect many if not most entire families. So you're not making excuses. The life you and your husband share is a difficult one to be sure. The kind of chronic stress we are talking about can affect a marriage at its weakest point and exaggerate it. Having a son with a disability has also been found to be more related to parental stress than having a daughter with a disability. In fact, a very large study of the general population showed that every son born to a marriage decreased the divorce rate by 9%! On the other hand, catastrophic events in life can often serve as catalysts for change. People can emerge from crisis revitalized and enriched. This is certainly the attitude I take as a therapist working with people. Some families disintegrate while others thrive despite their hardships. Over half of all marriages end in divorce but usually within the first seven years. So the two of you have endured despite your shared hardship which is great, but you are not thriving. I would suggest the kind of "first aid" mentioned in the first answer and also advise you to consider another try at counseling for your marriage. The two of you are worth it! |
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