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Q and A: couple's issues Question 4: Three years ago, my husband and I adopted a 23 month old boy from a Russian orphanage. He was speech delayed, and had very bizarre behaviors, but we were told that in time, he would catch up normally. We love our little boy tremendously, but not only has he not caught up, he is diagnosed autistic. We have spent thousands of dollars on therapies, and still his progress is slow. I am totally committed to my son and feel that everything I am learning from having a special needs child is a blessing. My husband however, feels otherwise. He believes we made a horrible mistake. That our son "ruined" our lives. He is negative, angry and distressed. I don't blame him, as it was me that could not have biological children. I am so distraught. I love my husband, and I know that he loves us, but just does not want the extra burdens of a child with special needs. Help. Response: My heart aches when I read about your situation. A startling percentage of adopted children (often estimated at over 30%) wind up having some kind of special healthcare need. Many babies from orphanages who did not receive adequate early nurturing wind up with developmental disabilities. Some people adopt a child that they know has a disability, and it often turns out much harder than they expected. But for you and your husband, there is a double loss--you were not able to have your own baby and then the child you adopted turned out to have a very trying condition. It is not your fault or his, but it is very hard to talk about. As the father of a young man, now almost 20, with autism, I would never volunteer to go through this again. I am not ashamed in the least to say that if I come back I want a son I can talk to and relate to more normally. On the other hand, I love Tariq as much as life itself, and he has taught me wonderful lessons about living and loving. I have no idea who I would be now if he had been a typical child, but I am sure that I am a far better person because of him. From what you have shared I sense that the reactions of you and your husband are polarized. I think it would help you and your husband and the marriage for you to explore some of your negative feelings about your child. You must have some. Likewise he must have some positive feelings about your child. When a couple is polarized, I always try to get each of them to express the other side of the emotion that they are usually representing to their partner. It's a very effective technique, and you may need a professional moderator to pull it off, but not necessarily. There is a price we pay for the lessons we learn in parenting a child with special needs. I am confident from the sensitivity in your letter that you take stock of this. What is so confusing at times is how we can feel such love and devotion one moment and so sad and distraught at another time. Together you and your husband dreamed of a healthy child--now you face a life very different from what you imagined. Your feelings singling and combined are quite normal and natural in the situation but very difficult nonetheless. RN |
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