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Q and A: couple's issues Question 6: Help! Since the birth of our third child who is severely disabled, I feel like our family is falling apart. He needs a great deal of my time and attention. Consequently, I feel as though, I am not meeting the needs of my other children and husband. They all seem to be angry and resentful lately. What can I do? I love my family, but I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed by all the demands. Response: Love is not always enough. We all wish it was. The birth of any child makes a family go through a period of readjustment and rebalancing. The birth of a child with a disability throws the family out of whack for an extended period. The overwhelmed feeling that you are describing is normal and natural for your situation-yet very trying as you know so well. Looking at that feeling a little closer, it often comes from feeling alone in the midst of your grief about the broken dreams for you and your family. First, how about you? Are your needs being met? Sometimes the best place to start is by taking care of yourself if only for a few minutes here and there each day. For example, at this time of year, are you watching the leave change colors if you live in an area where they do? Have you noticed the flowers in your garden or birds singing in the morning? If not, take a few moments to relax and reflect perhaps when your baby is napping. Taking a walk on a pleasant day with the baby in the stroller can also be a great stress-buster. Doing it alone would be a real luxury. Second, when is the last time you had a date with your husband? This may sound like a strange question under the circumstances. This is one of the questions I always ask a couple when they seek my counsel. Couples who have a child with a disability usually haven't been out alone in months. Sometimes they have given up trying. This often means that they have stopped enjoying each other's company which is after all a huge part of why they are together in the first place. This may sound like I am just giving you more to do, but many people forget that the couple's relationship is the center and the hub of family life. It needs attention and nurturing. Not that you can do that all by yourself, but it may help to let your husband know you are concerned about having time together and see how you can both figure out a way to have a date or even just steal an hour for a walk in the park. Some couples I know with critically ill children use the 15 minutes when nurses are changing shifts to take a short walk around their neighborhood and report feeling close, warm, and refreshed. It's all relative. Third, your other children feel the grief too. Anger is part of that grief for the whole family. Their cheerful optimistic mom is gone, replaced by a bereaved, overwhelmed caretaker. They too have confusing often contradictory feeling about their new sibling who absorbs so much of their mom's attention. You may feel guilty that this is happening, but this is out of your control to a great degree. It is once again normal and natural but very difficult in your situation. Perhaps you have some anger too, or perhaps you have already "been there and done that." What is in your control, at least to some degree, is how you handle your feelings and those of your husband and other children. Here's a few brief suggestions: Talk to your other children about what is going on. Ask them how they feel? Tell them a little about how you feel. Reaffirm your love for them. Try to work out a way that you give each of them your undivided attention for at least a short period daily doing whatever they want to do. If at all possible work as a team with your husband on this. You may also benefit from reading Chapters 7 and 8 in my book, Special Children, Challenged Parents The Struggles and Rewards of Raising a Child With a Disability, on the couple's journey and the siblings' perspective. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1557665354/rnaseef/104-7236001-0836763 will take you to Amazon.com where you can read more about it and order a copy if you are so inclined. I hope you find some comfort in these brief suggestions. Do keep coming back to www.specialchildren.about.com, where you will find information, support, and linkages to find more. RN |
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