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Q and A: couple's issues Question 7: I'm hoping you can lead me in the right direction we have three children. Our middle son has Asperger's Syndrome. Is there anything we need to do to prepare our daughters for their children? I know it's already a big concern for our oldest who is only 12, and I worry too for their sake. Please let me know your thoughts. From everything I've read there is a genetic component. That is why my husband does not want anymore children. Or should we turn to the spiritual side of things and leave it to the big man upstairs? Response: The most important thing is to talk openly and honestly with your daughters. When your child has a question, give her the best answer you can on her level. Your daughter who is now 12 has the normal concerns of a sibling who has a brother or sister with a disability. In fact, whenever I meet a sibling who is a teenager or older, this concern comes up. Usually they have a positive attitude towards children who have special needs. Of course none of us know in advance how we will react to a misfire of the genetic lottery. There is irrefutable evidence that autistic spectrum disorders have a genetic component. Whether Asperger=s Syndrome has the same genetic concordance rate is open to question. Once a couple has a child with autism, there is a 5 to 6% chance that they will have another child so effected. In the general population, there is one chance in a thousand although some estimates are as high as one in five hundred or even higher. The state of the science about autistic spectrum disorders is developing rapidly. I keep up with these developments through the Autism Research Review, a quarterly publication of the Autism Research Institute which has an Internet presence at http://www.autism.com/ari. As your daughters mature, there will be more and more information available to help them make decisions. By the time they are ready to consider parenthood, I would suggest that each go with their partner to a geneticist for counseling. As far as you and your husband go, it sounds like he has considerable fear of having another child with an autistic spectrum disorder. Some couples decide to have another child. Some do not. Genetic counseling may also help the two of you "get on the same page." What is most important for your marriage is to understand each other and try to arrive at a decision in a way that is respectful to each other. Certainly having a child with special needs teaches us how little we have power over in life. In that sense our children teach us a power spiritual lesson. Some people go on, roll the dice, and have other healthy, typical children and feel healed by the experience. Others decide to enjoy the children they have and find meaning and healing in that route. Others decide to adopt a child. There is no right way or wrong way. Couples struggle over these issues. If the issue of having more children divides you too long, then I would suggest that you seek professional guidance. Whatever you do, do your best to be in it together. Your daughters are watching. They will learn from the example of how their mother and father handle this delicate situation. RN |
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