Q and A:  Fathers

Question:  My daughter is 4 years old and her father does not want to take her out of the house.  Her diagnoses are myelin disorder and autism.  He opposes any MRIs, doctor visits, etc. and to this day does not participate in any of her therapies, IEP's, etc.  He has never seen her school nor any individual who works with my daughter. Have you seen situations to this degree?  What do you suggest?  I feel so lonely.

A knee jerk response would be to say that your husband is in denial.  While there is no doubt some truth in that point of view, I think that he is in a great deal of pain. Sometimes when a man is in pain, he goes into his cave and shuts out the world.  It is hard for a man to talk about something he has no power to change or fix.  Not that any of this is easy for a woman either.  A condition which is invisible and lifelong can be very hard to accept--as you know all too well yourself.  I do have some suggestions for you:

First, since your husband won't meet the people you work with your daughter, why not try bringing some of the people in her life your into your home.   For example, if you are in a support group, you could try inviting another family over to your house for dinner.  Or you could invite one of your daughters classmates and her parents over for a play date.  Sometimes men are deeply touched just by being around other fathers of children with special needs. I have seen this happen over and over again.

Second, set aside some time for you and your husband to have dinner alone, go out on a date, or just relax together.  All too often, couples who have young children with special needs get wrapped up in the stresses and strains of everyday life.  Their relationship inevitably suffers from lack of attention.

Third, let you husband know what he is doing right.  Sure, he isn't doing some very important things that you want him to do and be involved in, and this isn't a healthy situation you are describing.  But he probably is trying in his own way to do his best.  So letting him know you appreciate him might help him to see your point of view.

Fourth, check out the great resources available through the National Fathers Network, www.fathersnetwork.org.  Perhaps the writing of the fathers there will give you some insight that will be helpful to you now and to your husband later.

Finally, take care of yourself.   There's a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.  Take some time out regularly to go for a walk, go out with a friend, etc.  Often times in a relationship, each person is on their own schedule even though that is hard to accept.  Children with special needs teach us  acceptance in a profound way.  I wish you well and join with you in hoping for some improvement.