Dating, Marriage &Autism
by Stephen Shore
-reprinted by permission from the Autism Society of America-
One doesn’t need to be on the autism spectrum to be mystified by what is
involved in dating. The challenges of beginning as acquaintances and shifting to
friendship and/or a significant other requires excellent communication in the
realms of the verbal, nonverbal, pragmatics and "theory of mind."
Those diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder are people too. The
variations of strengths and needs non-spectrum people have are just as valid as
someone not on the spectrum. So by looking at what could make socialization and
dating easier for non-spectrum people and by goosing the amplitude some, perhaps
it is possible to arrive at accommodations that will not only be useful to those
on the spectrum, but perhaps assist a larger population of people, too.
Background
I was diagnosed at age two-and-a-half as having "atypical development with
strong autistic tendencies," and, at one point, viewed as being "too sick" to be
treated on an outpatient basis and was recommended for
institutionalization. With much help from my parents, teachers, and others, I am
currently completing a doctoral degree in special education at Boston University
with a focus on helping people in the autism spectrum develop their capacities
to the fullest.
I am also married and consult internationally on adult issues pertinent to
relationships, among other topics. In this article, I talk about how and why
developing relationships for individuals on the autism spectrum can be
difficult, and I offer examples of the kinds of things I did that helped me make
it through my adolescent years and early adulthood.
Socializing
For starters, "small talk" can be difficult. Small talk is introductory
conversation that doesn’t really go anywhere. For example, when passing a
co-worker you may inquire, "How are you?" The response will most likely be
"Fine, and you?"
Communication with those diagnosed with autism or Asperger
Disorder tends to be more direction-oriented. Activity-based gatherings are much
easier for those on the spectrum, too, rather than socially intensive
activities. Examples of activity-based events might include school clubs devoted
to certain interests such as computers, math, or even Pokémon;
socially-intensive activities might include an office party, senior prom, or
going to bar. (For me, a bar is a basketful of sensory violations where
observations can be made on non-spectrum interactions… but that’s for another
article.)
During high school, one of my special interests was bicycling. When I started a
bicycle club in high school and joined community-based bicycling clubs, such as
American Youth Hostels, I was able put my interest to use by socializing with
others. Perhaps more important, I had a captive audience for my bicycle
preservations.
Another special interest – music – was satisfied when I joined middle and high
school musical ensembles. So by making use of and engaging in these special
interests, it was the difference between a miserable public school experience
versus a tolerable or even great one.
Demystifying Dating
A lot of thought
should go into the process of dating. Hundreds of books have been written on the
subject, and there are entire companies devoted to helping people find "that
perfect match." But how does it all translate to dating?
In most of Western cultures, the act of dating centers on
socially based activities, where a premium is placed on nonverbal communication
that is buttresses communication of the verbal sort.
There are some key things that may make getting to know other people and dating
easier. One important aspect is focusing on a mutual interest or a project so
that the center of attention is not on impressing or otherwise being concerned
about saying the right thing at the right time. Even if there is no intent on
reaching "significant other status" with the other person, doing things with
others can result in more friends and additional circulation in the community,
as the probability of meeting others increases
as one circulates with others.
Jerry Newport, a well-known person with Asperger Disorder, indicates that he met
his wife, Mary, at an Asperger support group meeting. Both of them engaged in
activities they liked, socialized with other like-minded individuals, and
eventually they married.
Types of Dates
There are three types of "situations," which I loosely classify as "dates" –
play dates, homework dates, and serious dates. These are activities where people
get together with the goal of accomplishing a task and/or getting to know each
other.
Play Dates.
The first of this type of activity are the play dates. At the elementary school
age, due to today’s busy lifestyle, it is common for parents to set up play
dates for their children. Parents of two or more children schedule a time for
their young ones to get together for the purpose of playing.
Homework Dates.
The second category is the homework date. The homework date is an extension of
the play date. Usually this happens unintentionally as students of middle or
high school and college levels agree to meet to work on an outside-of-class
assignment. This is how my wife, Yi Liu, and I met. Having, by chance, ended up
in a music class, we agreed to meet regularly for mutual assistance. Since my
wife-to-be had only recently arrived from the People’s Republic of China, it was
difficult for her to understand the instructions our Music professor was giving,
and, for her, it was a significant challenge. However, her musical ability
somewhat exceeded that of our instructor, as she served as principal harpist of
the Beijing Symphony for nine years before coming to the United States to
further her education.
At predetermined times, we met either at school, or at one of
our homes to work on the assignments. While I helped her understand the language
aspects of the coursework, she assisted me in better understanding music.
These homework dates gave us a way to share a common interest
(or project) and allowed us to know each other better. As with the play date,
the activity was primary with the act of getting to know each other secondary.
However, this secondary benefit of getting to know others in this manner is very
important for anyone challenged by the "standard" ways of meeting other people.
Homework dates are one way to increase socialization with others.
Serious Dates:
These are situations where the goal of meeting is to get to know someone better
for the express purpose of moving toward significant other status. This
type of dating requires very good reading of subtle social situations and
nonverbal cues; which can often be very difficult for people on the autism
spectrum to perceive and decode accurately. Due to this difficulty in using the
subtle nonverbal and verbal social cues that are often such an important
component of the non-spectrum dating scene, I feel it is important
for people on the spectrum to get to know others from a position of strength;
things and/or through events were social interaction is secondary to activities
at hand.
Obstacles To Be Aware Of
There are obstacles that might affect your child’s ability to develop
relationships.
Detecting Interest.
As I have written in my book, Beyond the Wall: Personal Experiences with
Autism and Asperger Syndrome, I depended on the women I dated to use the
"cranial concussive therapy method" in order to let her intentions be known to
me. In other words, a woman would have to explicitly tell me and/or give
me a hug to let me know that she desired to date me. Being unable to read the
numerous dating-related nonverbal cues involved made it impossible for me to
determine whether another person was interested in dating me, and I was very
fortunate that no one took advantage of me given the situation.
Reading Nonverbal Cues.
With that said, difficulty reading nonverbal cues related to dating can pose
additional challenges for those with autism, particularly those desiring to meet
others and establishing intimate relationships. For men with the disorder, this
is especially hard. In society today, men are expected to make the first move;
however, he does so, they need to be able to detect the gesture will be welcome.
Bullying.
Bullying by one’s peers is a serious problem and can have a life-long affect on
someone’s self-esteem and how one interacts with others in their environment. An
example of bullying is when a friend of mine on the autism spectrum was not only
forced into and trapped in a school locker, but also locked into a dark room. As
a result, she experiences a traumatic stress syndrome related effect if she
feels she is locked in any room against her will. One time, when locked in a
hotel room, it was all her friend could do to prevent her from trying to escape
out a window… which was several stories above ground.
I experienced bullying all through elementary, school, even up until today.
While in middle school, when a group of children began to bully me in middle
school, my math teacher handled the situation in an interesting fashion. First,
he brought me into his office and asked for a list of children who were giving
me a problem. I was very nervous at his proposal that we call each one down to
his office and confront them individually. Eventually, though he talked me into
pursuing these confrontations.
With sweaty palms I waited as my math teacher, who turned into
my very own protector, called the first one of the students who had been
bullying me to join us. Once in the room, my teacher explained to this person
that even though I "seemed a little different" there was no need to "tease," and
he made it clear that further teasing would not be tolerated. At the end of the
15-minute session, the administrator asked both of us to shake hands and, down
the road, those who were my enemies began to talk to me in a more
reasonable fashion were much friendlier.
Marriage
Marriage to me, is very interesting, to say the least. The guidelines for
maintaining a good marriage are similar to those who are not on the spectrum.
They include: a lot of hard work, honesty, and not depending on the other person
to "mind read" the other’s desires and intentions. It is important for my wife
to tell me if she is angry with me, rather than to depend on my trying to figure
out her state of mind by her actions. If
something is upsetting to another person or if they would like their partner do
something, it is best for them to just directly talk about it in a calm manner.
For example, there is a windup travel alarm clock my wife uses to time her
practice sessions on the harp. While most people may like the sound of a ticking
clock, for me, it draws all of my attention and makes it impossible to
concentrate on anything else such as reading or resting. Aural sensitivities
make it difficult to keep background stimuli out of the foreground and are
common to those on the autism spectrum (Smith-Myles, Cook, Miller, Rinner &
Robbins, 2000). My solution was to close up the clock and stuff it under the
cushion of a chair. So when I would arrive home after a long day of work or
studying, I’d find an angry wife storming around the house, demanding to know
what I had done with the clock that was now missing.
Although telling her where the clock was during solved the problem of locating
the clock, it didn’t resolve her anger at my moving her belonging.
After some discussion about sensory sensitivities common to
those with autism, she realized why I hid the clock and now knows that when the
clock is missing, which chair cushion it most likely will reside under. Domestic
tranquility at last! A more proactive step might have been for me to realize
that while I may have had good reason to move the clock out of "earshot," it
would have been important to tell my wife what I had done with the clock and
why. It is important to realize that people with autism often perceive the
environment and express their emotions differently; their thought processes are
not similar to those not on the autism spectrum.
Advice for Parents
Learning how to develop relationships can be difficult for any young person, and
it can be especially hard for individuals with autism. Parents can play a
crucial role in helping their child with autism develop the skills he or she
needs to build any relationship, from friendship to romance. Tips I offer to
parents are as follows:
1. Take an active role in learning more about the subtleties
of adolescence and relationships. Tap into resources that you find most
comfortable, whether they be books, the Internet, other parents, educators,
counselors,etc.
2. Encourage your child to get involved with activities of interest that involve
interactions with other people either in group or club-like settings. This way,
interaction with others will center on the activity or interest at hand without
the pressure of social interaction being the primary reason for getting
together. The automatic commonality between people who have gathered together
for this reason can, and will, lay the groundwork towards closer relationships
with others.
3. Teach your children how to interact with others when a romantic interest is
present. In addition, teach the importance of not to forcing oneself on another
and being able to recognize a lack of interest. That said, it can be a challenge
for people on the autism spectrum to know how to ask a person on
a date more than once and that continued queries become a bother or perhaps
worse, considered harassment. Note that there are many more issues related to
dating. Useful ideas on encouraging appropriate behavior for men and women can
be found in the book Autism-Asperger’s and Sexuality: Puberty & Beyond by
Jerry and Mary Newport.
Stephen Shore is currently a doctoral student in special education at Boston
University with a focus on helping people in the autism spectrum develop their
capacities to the fullest. He is also on the Board of Directors of the Autism
Society of America, and involved in or plays a similar leadership role
in other autism-related groups. In addition to consulting internationally on the
topic of relationships,
among other issues, he is the author of the book Beyond the Wall: Personal
Experiences With Autism and Asperger Syndrome. You can learn more about
Stephen Shore by visiting his Web site at
www.autismasperger.info.
Recommended Reading
Two very good sources in understanding relationships between people on the
autism spectrum are:
The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston
An Asperger Marriage by Gisela and Christopher Slater-Walker
References
Newport, Jerry. Your life is not a label: A guide to living fully with autism
and Asperger Syndrome. Arlington, TX: Future Horizons (2001).
Newport, Jerry and Mary. Autism-Asperger’s & sexuality:
Puberty and beyond. Arlington, TX: Future Horizons (2002).
Shore, S. Beyond the wall: Personal experiences with autism
and Asperger Syndrome. Shawnee Mission, KS: Autism Asperger Publishing
Company (2001).
Smith-Myles, B., Cook, K., Miller, N., Rinner, L., & Robbins,
L. Asperger Syndrome and sensory issues: Practical solutions for making sense
of the world. Shawnee Mission, KS: Autism Asperger Publishing Company
(2000).
