Q and A: Understanding Feelings
Question 3: My son Michael is mentally challenged. He is seven and was
especially close to my father who passed on June 27th. Up to a week before he
passed we were visiting and my son who tends to be a bit strong was stroking
Daddy and I was hovering over nervously and trying to control, each time I did
that Michael would push me out of the room and go back to stroking his
grandfather. Now each day I have gone to see my mother Michael goes directly to
the room looks around the room and comes out crying. Michael is nonverbal and I
believe just beginning to receive the spoken word.
How do I help him through what is clearly his grief and or lack of clarity about
what happened.
Response: How wonderful that you are recognizing your child's grief! All
too often the grief of children is not recognized or validated. Nonverbal
children can actually teach the rest of us "normal" folks a few things about our
feelings. Children like your son express themselves in such a pure clear way.
Your question brings to mind a song from Peter, Paul and Mary called “Day is
Done” which I quoted in my book
Tell me why you are crying my son,
I know you are frightened like everyone,
Is it the thunder in the distance you fear?
Will it help if I stay very near?
I am here.
In this case you know why your son is crying. Stay near him. Despite his mental
challenges, Brian is clearly acting in congruence with his feelings by going
into his grandfather's room. Brian is bereaved and needs comfort. This raises
the question of how the rest of the family is handling their grief. It wouldn't
hurt for Brian to see and hear some of that in a form he can comprehend.
Mourning is appropriate for people of all ages, While we all grieve at a
different pace, children included, most of us eventually go on with our lives.
Children receive permission to grieve from adults. Perhaps you
could sit with Brian and together remember your father by looking at pictures.
After all don't we all keep alive the memories of our loved ones who have passed
away? Be sure to allow him to release his emotions as much as he wants to. It
will pass.
Pictures can often be a key to communicating for a nonverbal child. Perhaps you
could find a children's book about grief that relies heavily on pictures. Your
librarian or funeral director or a local member of the clergy or Brian's school
counselor might be able to help with this.
For you this seems like a double loss--you father's death and your son's mental
challenges which will last through your lifetime. Do take time for yourself to
allow your own feelings to surface. Do express them to the people who love and
care about you.
It's also a good idea to let Brian's teachers know about your family's loss.
There may be a change in his performance and/or behavior at school. Lastly, if
this continues to be a concern that causes you worry, consider seeking the
services of a grief counselor or mental health professional experienced in
helping people with these issues.
