Q and A:  Understanding Feelings

Question 5:  I am a single adoptive parent of children with a wide variety of special needs ranging from physical to mental to emotional challenges. I solely parent my children, without a positive father figure and any sort of outside support. The recent horrific events here in the U. S. are very frightening to my children and myself. How can I offer reassurance and support to my children, when I am just as concerned and frightened myself? Are there sources of support available to families like mine?

Response:  Although you may be feeling overwhelmed by your emotional reaction to current events, you are not alone.  

Sleep problems, nightmares, irritability, and fear are widespread reactions to the events of September 11th and their aftermath.

Nationwide single parent adoption is increasing with estimates as high as 30% of all adoptions.

Adopted children frequently have special needs-physical, mental emotional, and behavioral-with estimates as high as 30%.

The majority of families in the U. S., over 60%, live in non-traditional families meaning single parent households, step-families, adoptive families, etc.

Single mothers often do a great job of raising children alone because they are very thoughtful about their parenting as you are demonstrating by your question.

Despite all of the above, my heart tells me it must be exceedingly difficult for you right now.  When I think of your situation, I have to believe that you have some good coping skills that have gotten you through some tough times in your life.  Perhaps it may help to take stock of those skills now.  There may be lessons in the very fabric of your life that will pull you through.  That you are reaching out for some help now seems to be one useful strategy you have used before.

We all need help. Dr. Cindy Ariel has written about how parents can take care of themselves and be there to provide comfort and guidance for their children: “While our children are at school or involved in their activities or asleep, we can allow our own feelings to dominate.  We are sad, we are scared, we are angry.   Many of us are crying every day or waking up in the middle of the night…fearing the worst.  It is critical for all of us to talk about and express these personal dark emotional horrors.  And the more that we do this for ourselves apart from our children, the more we can be present with and for our children when they come home seeking the warmth of our loving embraces and safe shelter.”  You can read this article in full at www.specialfamilies.com as well as other articles that may be helpful.

Also at www.specialchildren.about.com, Guide Jody Swarbrick has adopted many children with varying special needs. Her expertise will inspire and guide you.  You might also benefit from becoming a member of an adoption support group. Just put “adoption support” into a search engine to find a group near you.  I have done some research and found some resources on the Internet that may be beneficial for you such as:

http://www.adopting.org/ncsap.html National Council for Single Adoptive Parents

http://www.calib.com/naic/pubs/s_single.htm  National Adoption Information Clearinghouse

http://www.singleparentcentral.com/links.htm Single Parent Central

You may also benefit from reading Chapter 9 in my book, Special Children, Challenged Parents  The Struggles and Rewards of Raising a Child With a Disability, on finding and building circles of support. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1557665354/rnaseef/104-7236001-0836763 will take you to Amazon.com where you can read more about it and order a copy if you are so inclined.

More and more I am finding that the simple warmth of human kindness is the best antidote for what ails us right now. People I know in New York are telling me that little things like more eye contact from strangers on the street brighten and lighten their days near Ground Zero. I am finding the same to be true for myself.

Take a chance.  When you have someone's attention, wish them peace in these troubled times.  Feel the warmth that comes back.  Bask in the glow of the human connection.  On a personal level, this is one of the most profound things we can do-making peace one heart at a time.