Q and A:  Understanding Feelings

Question 6:  “I'm stressed out with the holidays this year-on top of everything else I don't know what to buy for my child with special needs. Can somebody help me handle this?”  

Response:  As I sit with groups of parents or with mothers and fathers individually, no other question is pregnant with quite so much emotion.  No matter what tradition you celebrate-Chanukah, Christmas, Ramadan, or Kwanza-this can be a difficult time of year.  Images of warm cozy family life fill our heads.  It's a time to be close, to give thanks, and to look forward.  It's a time to celebrate the lives of children--a time that families get together and assess where they are, notice changes--and remember losses.

A thoughtful mother spoke out in a support group I facilitated this week.  She talked about how she was enjoying the holidays this year as opposed to watching her son ignore his toys while she wept.  She told the rest of us how she had learned to be “realistic” now that her son who has autism is four.  She wanted to buy him that first remote controlled car for 4- 6 year olds, but instead she bought him some toys labeled 4-6 months that she knew he would enjoy.  She also knows she will enjoy him this way, and she has the hope that he will develop from where he is, especially by becoming interested and having fun interacting with the rest of the family including his baby sister.

This woman, like many other mothers has learned and derived wisdom from her loss. She loves her son dearly and has learned through her tears and grief to dream new dreams.  She is now looking forward to being on the floor with him and following his lead in play.  This process of letting go and moving on is described so well in the 62 essays by parents in You Will Dreams New Dreams edited by Stan Klein and Kim Schive.  It takes time, but most people do get there. Children with special needs have so much to teach their parents and the rest of society particularly about accepting our differences and living in peace and harmony.

Holiday time is exciting for children, and children with special needs are no different. About 12% of school aged children have disabilities and will receive holiday gifts this season. The National Lekotek Center leads the way for accessible play for children with disabilities and their families through a nationwide non-profit network of 62 play centers, toy lending libraries and computer play programs. For more information, readers can call the Lekotek Toy Resource Helpline: 800-366-PLAY.  You can read The National Lekotek Center's recommendations on the “Top Ten Things to Consider When Buying Toys for Children with Disabilities” at: http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content3/toys.disabilities.html  

Key in this concept is the child's individual characteristics: Does the toy provide activities that reflect both developmental and chronological ages? Does it reflect the child's interests and age? Is it safe and durable? Is there potential for interaction? Will the child be an active participant during use? Does the toy allow for creativity, uniqueness, and choice making? Will the toy encourage social engagement with others? As opposed to wishing and pushing for a child to be normal, this approach encourages acceptance of the child where he or she is and encourages further development.  

This brings us to an important lesson that all children can teach us in this current season for giving.  More than the new toys, it is their parents' time and attentionthat is so exciting and wonderful for children.  It is the fuel for their development into kind and giving little people.  In the consumer driven rush this holiday season, let's not forget what's really important.  Let's connect with mind and heart to our families and friends and all whose lives we touch.  Let's spend quality time together.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote many years ago, “The only true gift is a portion of thyself.”