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Compassion for others can help relieve our emotional pain
By Dan Gottlieb
 For the last two weeks, one of the most difficult questions I have been hearing is: "How are you?" I never quite know what to say, so I just shrug and say something like: "OK - I guess - considering." The truth of the matter is, I am depressed. Sometimes overwhelmingly - and I want to leave where I am and go home. Mostly, it is a constant dull ache, and the world looks grayer to me. Trauma does many things to the psyche, including activating old injuries. That's why people who have experienced traumatic loss or injury in the past are at risk for depression and anxiety these days. Anyone who has lost a loved one will be reminded of the profound sense of loss during the early stages of mourning. But trauma also creates new injuries. In my practice as a family therapist, I frequently ask people to describe their worst nightmare. More often than not, it involves feeling out of control. Well, most people I know are feeling out of control, depressed or anxious. These reactions to trauma are considered normal reactions to abnormal situations. Nevertheless, depression and anxiety are terribly painful emotions. And to a certain extent, they may be inevitable. As individuals and as a nation, we are in mourning - defined by psychiatrist Stephen Levine as "the rope burns left behind when what we have clutched so tightly has been pulled from our grasp." Although our impulse is to rush through grief, we cannot. Most grief counselors will advise the following to diminish the pain: Understand what you have lost. For most, we have lost a sense of security and safety. Others have lost a sense of trust. And others have lost their vision for the future. These losses are real, as are the emotions that follow. You may feel sadness, depression, rage or terror. These are natural emotions and do not need to be acted on - just felt. Talk about your losses with someone you trust. Try to find some distraction periodically (in this case, turn off the news). Spend some time each day doing something that brings you joy. If these emotions become debilitating, contact a mental-health professional. But our reactions involve more than grief and loss. This trauma is one of continuing terror and helplessness. As a nation, we have been raped. And despite the outrage, threats and promises of our leaders, we know it could happen again. We are about to launch a very aggressive war against terrorism, but most of us know that the only way we can ever feel safe again is when we can find a way to live together. As long has the threats and counterthreats continue, the risk of rape will also continue. The grief we feel is also part of a transition. The question is, a transition to what? As a result of the events of Sept. 11, we will be forever changed. How we are changed is up to us. We know that hatred, both given and received, is toxic. We also know that compassion, both given and received is healing. Despite this terribly alienated and isolated world, I have seen more kindness in our community than ever before. I have also seen evidence of a great deal of hatred. So let me repeat it: How we change, as individuals and as a nation, will determine our future. Because this trauma was social in nature, we cry together. We are able to acknowledge the suffering in ourselves, our friends and our neighbors in New York, Washington, Pennsylvania. If we can grow through this injury, we will be able to acknowledge the suffering of our neighbors in other cities and around the world. If that kind of compassion had existed yesterday, our world might not be as dangerous today. As a nation, we have been deeply wounded. As a nation we will heal. But how? I have seen people with deep emotional wounds who function, but spend their lives feeling angry, suspicious resentful or depressed. I have seen others who suffer unfathomable injury and loss use their pain to bring healing and compassion to others. By and large, these are happy people. I wonder how we will heal.
Dr. Gottlieb lives with quadriplegia, the result of an accident. A book of his columns, "Voices of Conflict, Voices of Healing" is available at http://www.youwilldreamnewdreams.com, click on People with Disabilities Press. The book is also available electronically from iUniverse.com. |
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Dan
Gottlieb is a Philadelphia Inquirer columnist and host of "Voices in the Family"
on WHYY-FM (90.9). . Write to him at WHYY Radio, 150 N. Sixth St., Philadelphia
19106. Or e-mail: