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Q and A: Fathers
Question 1.
I'm the father of some special needs children. I have a seven year old son, who
is autistic, and a five year old son, who has Fragile 'X' Syndrome. My six month
old son has Down Syndrome. I also have a three year old son, who is typically
developing. I recently learned of another father of a special needs child in my
sons' school who was said to be completely uninvolved in his son's education and
he was often antagonistic toward his son when they were at home.
My father was uninvolved in my life and the lives of my six siblings. I was
confused for so many years about why he was so distant. I've only now begun to
understand what his life might have been like and why he was unable to reach out
to me and rejected my attempts to reach out to him. I knew I had to be different
from him. Even before I had children, I knew I had to be a different kind of
father than him.
I am a different kind of father. I have to be. I'm not perfect; I'm not even
good on some days. What I can say every day is that I'm "in the game." I'm not
sitting on the sidelines watching. I'm in there. I'm giving my wife and sons
everything I have. I judge that this uninvolved father is a spectator when it
comes to his son's life.
When I first heard about this, I wanted to get on the phone and scream at the
guy "Get in the game!!! Your son needs you, dammit!!" The sheer rudeness of
doing that stopped me. I wanted to reach out to this guy and I wanted to be
effective. I didn't know how to do it effectively, though. This stumbling block
left me with time. Time to think about this bright, beautiful, promising little
boy. Time to think about an angry guy who may be confused and overwhelmed by his
family situation.
I feel deep sadness when I think about how this little boy struggles in this
world, how powerful a father's love can be for a son and how he's missing out on
it. I know how he feels. I missed out on the same thing. I feel angry at this
father for not even trying. It's the same kind of anger I felt about my own
father. I feel frustrated as the parent of a special needs child. I expect that
every parent of a special needs child is doing all they can to support their
child in his quest to be part of a world that clearly wasn't built for him. If
we won't do that, who will?
So, where does that leave me? How can I reach this guy? First, I have to look at
myself and change my perception. I think I'll be more successful doing that than
trying to change another human being. I have to stop judging his parenting
ability the same way I had to stop judging my father; the same way I had to stop
judging myself as I stumble along the path I travel with my wife and sons. I
have to let go of my expectations of this man the same way I had to let go of
the expectations I had for my sons during the blissful days prior to them being
diagnosed.
I can reach out to this guy and follow his lead the same way I reach out to my
boys and listen to them, look for opportunities to encourage growth and then
hope that they take a step forward. I can also pray for this guy. My faith has
saved me many times and has given me solace in highly stressful and chaotic
times. I can pray that this father gains the courage to make his own changes so
he might be what his son and the rest of his family needs him to be. He has been
blessed, as I have been, with a wonderful family. Maybe I could just find the
courage I need to tell him that.
It's been weighing on my mind. Writing this down helped me clarify the
situation. I can't change him - I can only change myself. Also, I can only be
myself - for him. I'm glad you asked for my thoughts. I hope they help.
Response:
You speak well and wisely. Certainly the only person any of us can change is
ourselves. Even that can be quite a daunting task. As you mention, many of us
come into parenthood with baggage from our childhoods. No doubt our parents did
their best with what they had, but sometimes that wasn't enough. We naturally
want to do what our parents did right and improve on their weaknesses, and give
our children a good start in life.
I want to underscore your point for readers that a withdrawn man is very often
an angry, sad man inside. This can be the outward form of male depression. The
father you mention may just be a good man feeling bad. You yourself sound like a
kind and caring man. In the way I understand these issues, you're on the right
track.
Don't just do something, be there. You have some common ground with this fellow.
So make contact the way you would with anyone else. Sometimes a pleasant “Good
morning” with eye contact can make a person's day. Look for opportunities to
connect.
It's not just you and the man you describe. It's so hard for men to have friends
in our society. We have been taught to see other men as rivals, and we are thus
afraid to expose our vulnerabilities. It is rare for a man to open himself up
emotionally to another man. On the other hand, when men are in a situation where
they feel safe to open up, such as in a fathers' group, they are grateful about
the opportunity to express their passions and their deepest fears.
I also want to suggest that you and your son's school check out
www.fathersnetwork.org for ideas about how to involve more fathers in your sons'
school. There are lots of men quietly doing their best and keeping it all
inside. It helps all of us when we meet and share our stories. Your story
briefly shared in your letter will inspire men and women.
RN
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