Mental Health Q and A
Question 2: My 9 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 3. At 6 he
was started on meds. During the first couple of years of school, things seemed
to be ok with him socially. Then he had a horrible second grade year. We were
trying a new med because he couldn't gain weight, and with it he developed a
severe phobia and seemed to become withdrawn and depressed. Third grade was
better, and he seems to be doing well this year, hangs out with people, and
seems happy enough.
But, over the last three years, he seems to be left out when it comes to
birthday parties and after school play. He is never invited to play at anyone's
house except his very best friend, and this morning he told me that everyone in
his little group was invited to a friend's birthday party except for him.
I am so crushed by this. He seems to be ok, taking it in stride, but I wonder if
he's hiding his true feelings, or if he is really able to let it roll off his
back. I know that I am so sad for him, and angry too! Why is this happening to
him? He's such a sweet boy and it really seemed like things were going better
for him, that he was doing so much better socially. Why does he get left out and
what do I do with what I feel right now? Do I just let it go? Do I try to get
him to talk more about it? I just feel so helpless. I want him to be happy, I
want him to be invited to the parties with his friends. Please help.
Response:
It sounds like you are a loving Mom feeling all alone, in pain and heartbroken.
You say "we" in reference to trying a new medication, but it hard to tell who
else is involved in your son's care, such as your husband or your son's
pediatrician, teacher or school counselor, etc. So most of all, I urge you to
seek out support--both personal and professional. As yo do so, I am confident
that you will find that you are not alone.
Children who are diagnosed with attention deficit disorder are each very unique
as well as special individuals. Problems relating to peers are fairly common for
children who live with this diagnosis. Let's take a look at why.
Many children with ADHD have a hard time establishing smooth and cooperative
relationships according to John Taylor, Ph.D., the author of "Helping Your ADD
Child: Hundreds of Practical Solutions for Parents and teachers of ADD Children
and Teens (With or Without Hyperactivity." Other children often resent the
intrusion on their time, activities, personal space, and property. Children with
ADHD often have trouble reading body language and other social cues. For this
reason, they have trouble realizing when others are annoyed, tired, or bored
with them.
Fortunately, there are things you can do to help your son improve his
relationships with his playmates and classmates. First, consider getting social
skills training for your son. This can be included in his IEP. Check with the
school counselor because there may already be a social skills training group in
his school.
Second, help your son to develop friendship skills. Use favorite activities as a
way to cultivate friends. Invite individual children who like the same activity
to your home for a limited time period. Doing it this way sets up your home as a
fun place for children your son likes. In addition you can see for yourself how
things go and coach your son if and when necessary.
Your son's school counselor or social worker or an independent mental health
practitioner can coach you in how to coach him. Take a look at
www.parentcoachcards.com to
get some ideas about how this approach can work.
Finally, take care of yourself. Find some support and comfort. As you already
know, having a child with special needs is a log-term issue. There is no such
thing as a "quick fix." Next week's column will discuss when peer support is not
enough and when professional support is indicated.
As you start to do some of the things that are in your power
to do, you will most likely feel less helpless.
I wish you well.
RN
