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Q and A: Mental Retardation Question 3: I have an 11 yr old son who has regressed since the age of three to a child with mild (65-70 IQ) disability and poor motor coordination. The problem is that he does not fit in anywhere. In the public school system he is too "smart" for the mentally challenged class (where most have an IQ of 55 or so) where the kids are happily oblivious to their situation and too "dumb" for the self-contained LD class where most of the kids have an IQ of 85 or so. As a result he is miserable. He is very aware of his differences and the way people treat him (ignore, tease, etc.). He is a very gregarious little Forrest Gump who does not understand why his life is so hard. He desperately wants friends and has lately begun to be quite emotional and on several occasions has told me that his life is not worth living because he is so different and miserable. Yet he doesn't listen or seem to really understand when we point out to him the social behaviors he should change in order to have people like him. Any suggestions? I am his very sad and frustrated mother (actually I am usually pretty upbeat about it all but some days are just particularly hard). Thanks! Response: Your question reminds me and other readers too just how individual each child is. The spirit of the law is to provide for each child according to his or her needs. The diagnostic categories are just that--categories. Many children, your son obviously included, are not a good fit for any of the categories that a local school district may offer. Yet he is entitled to a free and appropriate public education. He needs an individual program that addresses all of his needs. In your situation, I would make several suggestions: 1. Contact an advocacy organization in your state. On the national level, I would suggest the Arc at www.theArc.org and Family Voices at www.familyvoices.org, both of which have chapters in every state. 2. Ask for a conference with your school’s child study team regarding your son’s emotional needs as they appear to you at this moment in time. The mental health needs of children with disabilities are so often overlooked and yet these needs are so vital to the child and the family. 3. You may also want to consider help outside your local school system for the emotional needs of your son and to coach you in how to deal with the issues you describe in your letter. The disability organizations in your area may be able to refer you to qualified mental health professionals with the necessary expertise. 4. In terms of the social skills that your son needs, they are best learned in a small group setting where children rehearse how to handle situations that come up socially. This can be done in school or outside school. 5. I would also heartily recommend Nancy Miller’s book Everybody’s Different: Understanding and Changing Our Reactions to Disabilities. This book is reviewed on my web site, and it will go a long way in helping you to understand people’s reactions to your son and how to better handle this as a family. 6. You son sounds like he so desperately needs and wants to find his peers. Your local chapter of the Arc may be a great help to you in this regard. Most of all, keep enjoying your little Forrest Gump. He sounds charming. The enduring love of his family will soothe his frustrations with the speed bumps we all encounter in life. RN |
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