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Q and A: Fathers Question 2. My daughter who has mild cerebral palsy (CP) and
pervasive developmental disorder Response: I appreciate you writing in both because this is a very important issue and because I do not get many questions from fathers. Fathers have many concerns about raising a child with special needs, but as men we are less likely to speak up in public forums. Rest assured, it is a sign of your strength and your love for your child that you are reaching out at this time. Your fears about sexuality and relationships are well founded. People with disabilities are more vulnerable and therefore more victimized. Your concerns are natural and normal-but at times very uncomfortable.
Intimacy or close sharing with another is a more powerful exchange than "raw sex." Giving and receiving caring touch can be truly satisfying and is available to every individual, according to Gary Karp, the author of Life on Wheels: For the Active Wheelchair User (O'Reilly: Sebastopol, CA, 1999). Sexual intimacy, as Karp explains, is an experience of unity, of joining, of trust, and feeling as if there is no boundary between you and your partner. Thus the feeling of bliss, while sharing fun and pleasure with another person, is available to all regardless of the nature or severity of the disability. For men and women alike, we see our children through the lens of our own life experiences. We know firsthand, for example, that adolescence can be extremely turbulent as teenagers' emotional highs and lows are not far apart. Strong feelings are stirred up in parents, and we have difficulty seeing our children as sexual beings. As our child's body changes with the dawn of her emerging sexuality, parents have to rethink our authority relationship with our developing child. Limit setting and guidance are still needed but must be based on the particular child's needs. Most importantly, your child needs sex and sexuality education at home and at school. The purpose of this training is to give her a language she can use about her body. With this skill, she can tell you or someone else if anything is bothering her or if anything abusive happens. More than ever parents must understand the deep passions that are evoked in this stage. Particularly challenging is accepting the child as a sexual being. As a teenager establishes her own identity, as parents we review our own struggles to understand our thoughts and feelings about our own bodies, as well as our wishes about how it should, or could, have been handled by our parents. As the separate identity is formed, separation brings feelings of envy, fear, anger, pride, and regret. Parents of children with special needs confront the reality of how far their child may be different from the norm once again, and may have special fears about their child being taken advantage of in the world. Overall, this further development of the parent-child relationship brings us the image of our children as adults looming on the horizon. To put this in perspective for readers at this moment, the less severe a child's disability, the more likely it will be that he or she will form a sexual relationship in adulthood with a compatible partner. Likewise, the more severe the disability the less likely it is that the individual will form such a relationship. Nonetheless all children, adolescents, and adults long for intimacy and need boundaries and information and language to remain safe and secure. So more than ever, when a child has special needs, a parent's job is never done. This is admittedly a brief answer to a complex question. I encourage your further questions and finding as many answers as possible. The books I have mentioned above give in depth knowledge and insights while citing numerous resources. For, example, you may want to read more from Gary Karp at www.lifeonwheels.org. You could also learn from Beyond the Wall, the autobiography of Steven Shore who has Asperger's Syndrome and who discloses his personal and intimate experiences. Modern culture has overemphasized intercourse and orgasm while downplaying intimacy. We need a healthier perspective. As is so often the case, children with special needs can be a catalyst in making us better people. Looking at your responsibilities as a father will help you to grow and develop as a sexual being yourself-just one of the wonderful opportunities of parenthood. RN 
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(PDD) is turning ten. At times she still looks like a little girl to me, and
some days I think I can see her body beginning to develop. Although she is in a
regular class part of the day at school, she doesn't have many friends. She
always wants to please people and be accepted. I worry some somebody will take
advantage of her. My wife can help her to understand her body, but how do I help
to keep her safe?
No
matter what the disability, your child can still learn and you can still teach,
as Karin Melberg Schwier and Dave Hingsburger point out in Sexuality: Your
Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities (Baltimore: Paul Brookes,
2000). Each of us learns healthy ideas about human sexuality in an evolving way,
step by step. Every infant, child, teenager, and adult-with or without a
physical or intellectual disability-is a sexual being. While sex can refer to
gender, male or female, or the physical act of sexual intercourse, sexuality
refers to the whole person. Human sexuality thus involves one's thoughts
feelings, attitudes, and behavior towards oneself and others with whom we
interact and express ourselves.