Q and A: Siblings
Question 2: I have a nine month old daughter who was diagnosed with a rare
chromosome disorder at birth. There had been no indication of any complications
until she actually arrived. Due to her syndrome she has a lot of varied
complications and requires a lot of therapy.
I also have a two and a half year old son who is very active, and willing to
help with our daughter. He is very protective of her and is very perceptive. We
are very careful to take time out each day to have one on one activity with him
and take him to parent/child activities. Generally, he does quite well, however
he is very perceptive and it seems that any time my daughter has a regression or
complications in need of more intervention from a medical stand point, he
regresses. We've had him toilet trained twice both times he quit when she was
experiencing problems. His behaviors also became very aggressive and often time
inappropriate. I'm wondering how we can better help him through these times
without it affecting his behavior so.
We have always been very honest with him and told him what is happening to her
and why she is hospitalized, etc. I've also noticed that at times when the
family is under a lot of stress he has taken on the role of the entertainer.
Several times when my husband and I have been agonizing over decisions as to her
care, he has interrupted us by doing silly things and things that will make us
laugh. I don't want him to feel like it is his role to fix things. Ideas?
Response: You are already doing the most important thing right by giving
your son some special time each day with a one-on-one activity. You obviously
have no control over daughter's chromosomes, but you do have and are taking
control of how your son in raised along side of her. It is normal and natural
for him to feel protective of his baby sister and to be perceptive about her
progress and problems. Any older sibling would take all this in. It's also hard
for you as you mention, so it is unavoidable for your little boy not to feel in
some way the stress that tae entire family is experiencing.
When young children experience the kind of stressors you describe, there are
often some temporary developmental regressions. I would certainly look at your
son's toileting from this perspective. Human development in general, and child
development in particular, does not always follow a straight line or an even
course. There are many ups and downs, many twists and turns, and occurring in
many dimensions. My basic advice would be to be supportive of your son. “Go with
the flow” for a time. Wanting a diaper is like wanting more security and wanting
to be babied. It won't hurt him on a temporary basis. He will want to use the
toilet before long. If there is no progress or if you need more guidance, I
would suggest consulting with a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric
psychologist either of whom would look at your son's development and advise you
how to facilitate his growth.
I am concerned about the toll that the stress is taking on you and your husband.
Your son may be taking on the role of “entertainer” because he sees you needing
some consoling. This often happens in a bereaved family. You cannot control your
grief over the situation. You can, however, take some time out regularly as
parents to enjoy life--have some one-on-one time with each other! Go out on
dates as I mentioned in a recent column. If you get some entertainment as you
struggle to do all you have to do, your son may also feel your positive moods
and have less concern about being the entertainer.
Also I would suggest that your son not hear you and your husband “agonizing over
decisions” on a routine basis. Have those discussions whenever possible after
his bedtime. He can't help wanting to fix things and neither can you. As I read
your letter, I too want to fix your situation.
The words of the Serenity Prayer speak to us all :
God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the things
I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
Pathway to peace.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
