Q and A:  Siblings

Question 3:  My son, Adam, is seven years old. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS/Aspergers Syndrome when he was three. I'm very happy with his placement and progress in school. My problem is concern for his younger brother, Sam, who is five. He seems to follow behavior modeled by his brother, "tuning out" or simply not listening. He was screened at three as well, and there was no problem found. I have been directed to Raising Your Spirited Child, which deals with temperament issues.

Any thoughts on the effect on younger siblings of an autistic child? The older siblings take on a more "maternal" role --I have two older girls, eleven and thirteen.

Response:  Since we are siblings all of our lives, no one is a stranger to the intense relationships we have with our brothers and sisters. Often these ties are filled with love, hate, and rivalry. And this is true even if all of one's siblings are “normal” or “typical.” I always recommend that parents get in touch with their own child within. What was it like for you? As the youngest? The oldest? The middle? Or as an only child? Who do you identify with the most of your children? How would you feel if you were in the position of the child you are concerned about?

It is important to be aware of how the love, hate, and rivalry played out in our own childhoods. If we don't understand these issues in the family we originated in, we will be hard pressed to understand how they are operating in the families we have procreated. The younger sibling of a child with autism raises some very perplexing issues for the family as a whole. Soon, if not already as I suspect, your younger son's development may surpass that of his older brother, Adam. How are you reacting to this? As I mentioned in a recent column, it was painful for me to watch my younger daughters surpass my son's development.

There is something disturbing about watching the younger child surpass the older. It's not the expected natural order. It may be confusing for Sam. It is normal and natural for the younger child to follow the older. Of course, no parent wants the younger child to copy the undesirable behavior of an older sibling. In your situation, it seems that Sam is following the model of tuning you out. Of course, there may be other reasons. Perhaps he doesn't like what you are telling him or asking of him. Maybe he would be doing this even if his older brother was “normal.” We'll never know for sure.

When I think of my own childhood, I can remember quite clearly tuning out some things my parents and teachers told me. Perhaps we all do some amount of tuning out in life. Aaron may be tuning you out to assert his autonomy, and perhaps this is why someone suggested the book on temperamental issues. He may also be tuning out to try and get more of your attention. Perhaps he could learn to ask you for that directly. Given his overall normal development, as he matures, he will be more like his same aged peers in school than his older brother.

Adam, on the other hand, having a pervasive developmental disorder may have difficulty TUNING IN. Your daughters being older do not have the same experience as Sam. They will however not have the same kind of relationship they would have imagined with Adam. They will most likely over time have a whole spectrum of emotions, both positive and negative, about their special and unique brother with autism.

Many of the issues you allude to are covered in “Special Siblings: Growing Up with Someone with a Disability” by Mary McHugh (Hyperion, 1999) which is an excellent book with a comprehensive list of resources. The author grew up with a brother with mental retardation. Another very useful book is “Siblings of Children with Autism: A Guide for Families” by Sandra Harris who is the dean of the Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers University. If the issues you raise here still trouble you, I recommend you seek the guidance of a family therapist who is experienced with families who have a child with a disability.

Most of all, when you get right down to it, each of your children is special. They each have a unique personality and set of experiences. Each of us and our children has something to learn and something to teach.

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Last modified: 05/06/07